She Looked So Pretty as She Poured My Coffee

I simply don't get it.

I didn't use to be much of a coffee drinker. Once in a blue moon, maybe a cup of Dunkin' Donuts (real cream, yum). Now and again for a really boring professor, I'd pick up a cup of joe to stay awake when I was in law school. But I'd drink whatever was cheap, and besides, coffee makes my breath foul (as it does for most people, a fact that is unfortunately lost on so many members of American society), so I didn’t drink it that often.

Then when I got out of school, I got a part-time job as a waiter in a coffee house. The first week that I was there was training week (the restaurant was closed at the time), and all of the new baristas learning to make the various espresso drinks got to try out their newly acquired skills on the servers-in-training. Including me. And a coffee snob was born.

There are several other reasons that I developed such a bourgeois attitude toward java while working as a coffeeshop whore. First, I was working a full-time day job, and the cafe kept me up well past a reasonable bed time for a guy with a 9 ayem start time. So when I was working (either at the day job or the night job), I was in dire need of a stimulant. Second, the coffee drinks at the cafe were free. Third, I'd actually never had a latte or a cappuccino in my life until that point. And goshdarnit, they just taste better than drip coffee.

However, once I left my job schlepping lattes to ungrateful, poorly tipping pimply-faced college kids and condescending suburban moms, I didn't really need the caffeine. In fact, when I'm well rested the stuff makes me sweaty, nervous, and virtually unintelligible I speak so fast. And let's not forget the stinky breath. I toned down, and now drink no more than 2 coffee drinks a week - the rest of the time it's green or oolong tea.

The thing is, when I do get a taste for coffee (or an inclination to offend a co-worker with firey-foul Juan Valdez breath), I can't seem to justify $4.50 for a freakin' latte. It's really just milk and coffee (albeit made with a somewhat fancy machine). So despite the fact that I think drip coffee makes Gatorade seem "full bodied," I occasionally succumb to my inner cheapskate, and buy it.

There are a lot of reasons that people use to justify hating Starbucks. And I really find none of them persuasive. Fair trade? Misplaced, xenophobic protectionism. Ruins local coffee houses? If people wanted to go to the local coffee shop, it would still be open, you Marxist buffoon. Big corporations are evil? Wow, that’s ignorant: Bill Gates has singularly done more to help sub-Saharan Africans than any other private citizen in the world in the last 5 years.

Here's a good reason, finally, to embrace the oh-so-fashionable Starbucks hatred: their coffee is gross. That's right, there is a mass delusion in this country that that nasty crap that they charge two bucks a cup for is GOOD. It's not. In fact, diner coffee is often better. Quite simply, Starbucks over-roasts (read: burns) their coffee beans. Somehow, the ignorant masses have interpreted this as being “full-bodied,” or “strong.” The crap tastes like my office smells when someone burns microwave popcorn (which, incidentally, should be a crime punishable by flogging). Yes, Starbucks coffee is full of flavor. So is burnt toast.

People, coffee is a delicate, diverse, and wonderful bean. It requires care, attention, and to be roasted with the proper temperature and duration of heat, in order for it to taste right. It also requires a minimal amount of water – which is how Arabs drink it (coffee probably originates in Ethiopia, but was popularized by Arab traders). Yes, coffee should be strong (the addition of steam and pressure is what allows espresso to be such a concentrated form of coffee). But espresso is not necessary – a French press makes a decent enough cup for everyday use. (The paper filter might be the single greatest scourge on the developed world’s palate.) But what Starbucks has done is decreased the flavor density by serving weak, American-style drip coffee, and tried to overcompensate by burning the beans. How do so many people drink this foul, putrid bastard product? Wake up, America, stop drinking that crap. To sum, here is all the average person needs to know about coffee:

(1) Buy good, properly roasted beans appropriate for the device you are using (espresso maker, French press or percolator). That means no Starbucks.
(2) The parenthetical in point (1)? NO PAPER FILTERS. A few grains in the bottom of your cup is a small price for flavor, you spoiled jerk.
(3) Brew for the proper allotted time.
(4) Less water, more concentrated flavor.
(4) Heat the milk. Froth if desired.
(5) Either drink it without sugar, or with sugar. That artificial stuff can’t be good for you. If your worried about the calories or diabetes, that’s good. Change your tastebuds, not your biochemistry.
(5) Pour and enjoy.

[Consider the 5 Moleskine Points offer as standing for all postings – sialacci, with 10 points, is currently leading Nigela with 5 points.]