I Don't Like Mondays

Exactly 52-weeks ago, I spent the weekend in a flurry of charity. On Saturday, I walked in "Lawyers Have Heart," an annual fundraiser that benefits the American Heart Association. On Sunday, I rode in "Cure de Tour," a 100-mile bikeride, raising money for the American Diabetes Association. This weekend, those events were again held here in the National Capital Area.

What did I do this weekend? How does one top a blockbuster weekend of charity, health, and hope for the human condition? One doesn't. Instead, he spends the entire weekend eating out, drinking loads, chasing skirts, shunning all exercise, and laying on the couch watching marionettes copulate on DVD.

My closest chum here in DC, "F", is moving back to his hometown, and this was his last weekend to go out as a DCer. The good thing about F is that he and I are not just friends, but what (I think) mental health professionals call co-enablers. Hey, as any good drunk knows, it's much easier to justify one's existence when surrounded by similarly unhealthy individuals. So of course, all weekend F is like, "C'mon dude, it's my last [insert day of week] in DC, you should really [drink this/go out/ skip work]."

Thursday night was Happy Hour @ Penang (Malay food, yum!), then the ultra-stiff drinks at Ascot (I love any bar that serves 22-ounce bottles of beer) followed by an evening on the rooftop deck at Five. Suffer through a workday redacting documents (if you don't know what that is, thank your lucky stars) all day on Friday, then hit the rooftop deck at Local 16 for F's farewell party, which was followed by karaoke in Adams Morgan, then dancing at a club, and then a trip to The Diner - sleep sitting up on a couch as a friend's. Go home, take shower, nap, and jump on a bus to head to Bloody Mary brunch in Georgetown, followed by an afternoon sipping beers on the Georgetown Waterfront. Evening drinks in Adams Morgan, again.

Based on the foregoing, I have the following random thoughts about benders:

Take Milk Thistle. This stuff is gold - take one before going out, one when you get up, and then another at lunch and one at dinner. Nurse the day with tea (green or oolong), water, a B-vitamin supplement and a green apple. Exercise if you can.

Laugh. Preferably with a childish film - this weekend it was "Team America," but I also suggest "Eurotrip" or "Old School." Such a film should be in your DVD player as you were sure that you were going to stay up and watch it the night before at 3 ayem.

Even if you are going to go back to drinking before your body is done flushing out the prior day's toxins, do at least some minimum maintenance - eat, and drink as much water as you can. But once you start drinking, give it up, man. Don't get responsible about your bender, that's lame.

It's OK to switch from beer to booze and back again. And it's probably actually wise, as it's much easier to moderate your level of intoxication by mixing in a barley pop every now and again.

Shower, but under no circumstances should you shave. Look the part, you derelict.

Most importantly, don't feel bad about yourself. Youth isn't wasted on the young as long as you refuse to grow up. I'll try to find a way to balance out this decadent, hedonistic weekend in some way, but for now, I'm still laughing at puppets having dirty sex.